Angry nerd rants
MATT TRUSLOW
Special to the Arbiter
Issue date: 3/3/08 Section: Culture
Hobbits are a skid mark on the underpants of Middle Earth. They're the Tolkien equivalent of a hippie commune. I'm sick and tired of freeloaders living off the welfare of others, whether the welfare is that of the federal government or Gandalf the Grey. Maybe Frodo and Sam should get a job instead of hot-boxing the hobbit holes all day. No jobs in food service, though; hobbits don't wear shoes - that wouldn't be sanitary.
Hobbits are lazy people. I've only seen a Hobbit work twice. The first time was when Gandalf and Frodo were riding into town. They passed an old farmer tending to his "crops;" pretty shifty-eyed for harvesting carrots. That stuff has a street value of $50,000 a key in Gondor.
The only other time I've seen a hobbit work is to set up for a party. "Did you hear dude, Bilbo is turning eleventee?!" "Dude that's so old! Lets get hammered man!" "Hella!" Hobbits consume way too many of Middle Earth's much-needed natural resources, especially food. Gondor and Rohan are at war for the freedom of the entire world, but I guess munchies take precedence. Hobbits eat about eight times a day. Apparently it takes a lot of energy to sleep in until two, get high and watch a laser Floyd-esque fire works show. "Holy crap man! I thought that dragon was totally gonna eat me." "Chill bro, it's just like an illusion in your mind." "Man I am tripping balls so hard! This Rivendale reefer is a monster."
Some people may say that it was because of the bravery and fortitude of hobbits that Middle Earth was saved from Orc hoards. "Hobbits did destroy the ring," one might say.
Hobbits may have ventured to Mordor, but it wasn't to save the world.
Imagine their disappointment when they discovered Mt. Doom was not a giant water bong.
I strongly disagree with Gandalf's decision to give the ring to Frodo. I suppose he thought that hobbits look inconspicuous, and he's right. I would never expect a three-foot-tall, cape-wearing shoeless hippie to hold the power to destroy Middle Earth. It's a good thing Frodo's parole officer didn't show up. "Where did you get that ring Frodo? I thought you were going clean."
Hobbits are lazy people. I've only seen a Hobbit work twice. The first time was when Gandalf and Frodo were riding into town. They passed an old farmer tending to his "crops;" pretty shifty-eyed for harvesting carrots. That stuff has a street value of $50,000 a key in Gondor.
The only other time I've seen a hobbit work is to set up for a party. "Did you hear dude, Bilbo is turning eleventee?!" "Dude that's so old! Lets get hammered man!" "Hella!" Hobbits consume way too many of Middle Earth's much-needed natural resources, especially food. Gondor and Rohan are at war for the freedom of the entire world, but I guess munchies take precedence. Hobbits eat about eight times a day. Apparently it takes a lot of energy to sleep in until two, get high and watch a laser Floyd-esque fire works show. "Holy crap man! I thought that dragon was totally gonna eat me." "Chill bro, it's just like an illusion in your mind." "Man I am tripping balls so hard! This Rivendale reefer is a monster."
Some people may say that it was because of the bravery and fortitude of hobbits that Middle Earth was saved from Orc hoards. "Hobbits did destroy the ring," one might say.
Hobbits may have ventured to Mordor, but it wasn't to save the world.
Imagine their disappointment when they discovered Mt. Doom was not a giant water bong.
I strongly disagree with Gandalf's decision to give the ring to Frodo. I suppose he thought that hobbits look inconspicuous, and he's right. I would never expect a three-foot-tall, cape-wearing shoeless hippie to hold the power to destroy Middle Earth. It's a good thing Frodo's parole officer didn't show up. "Where did you get that ring Frodo? I thought you were going clean."
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
Sauron's Evil[er] Twin
posted 3/05/08 @ 1:33 PM MST
Dude, you suck. Stop copying the Angry Video Game Nerd from YouTube. Seriously, I'm not impressed.
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